One of the things that amazes me is how we can be followers of Christ for many years and still have so many doubts. Doubts in ourself, in our abilities, even in our calling. After more than twelve years of serving God faithfully, I still occasionally go through all these things. I think we all do. The difference now is how long I can get caught up in all this and how low I can sink. I find that I can no longer drop down too low and I cannot stay there as long. I had written that I would start to share part of my testimony, and I will do more of that later. For now, let's just leave it to say that I had two attempts to end my life long before I ever truly knew God. I felt that my life had no real meaning and that I had no real purpose. But, God was with me even then. Pills that every doctor said should have absolutely killed me in the quantity that I took did next to nothing. I had a swollen tongue for about two weeks...and a really bad stomach ache! But, that was it. And the second time, I had a strange vision and couldn't even go through with the attempt.

But, what is it that allows us to get down so low that we can even think of taking our own lives? It's a lack of faith in God. I didn't know God at all when I did these two things. I had a void in my life that I didn't understand. How people get through life without God just boggles my mind. How I survived for 32 years without Him just blows me away. I often wish that I had been raised in a great Christian home and that my childhood had been very different from what it was. But, I wasn't. There was no religion at all in my house.

I also have to realize that I would not be the person that I am without all the life experiences that I have had. I would not be who and what I am. And, just as Pastor Matthew preached this past Sunday, we are all unique in our special ways. I used to really despise my quirks. Now, I realize that this is exactly how God made me and that I was made for this time, to do this job and to be who I am right now. Doesn't mean we cannot always improve...we can. But we all need to have a belief that God made us the way we are and that we are doing His will as long as we are serving Him. That was truly one of the hardest things for me to accept when I first got saved. I felt so inadequate and so unusable. I am not perfect by any means. But, I work hard, try my best and care a lot about people.

So, am I happy with all that I am...well, no. But, I am working towards making my life better and to be more Christlike every day of my life. I have learned to accept all my quirks and that I am what I am. I cannot please everyone but I strive every day to make God happy. I used to think WWJD was silly...but that was when I first got saved. Now, I think it is something we need to ask ourselves pretty consistently throughout each day. After many years of making the right decisions, it eventually becomes much easier and even becomes automatic.

So, love yourself so that you have the ability to love others and learn to accept your quirks. You need them so that you can be what God has called you to be.

More on my testimony soon! That just takes time to put it all down on paper. But, I will do it sometime soon.

Have a great day!

Todd